


And I will give you all my heart, so we can do it all over again.

by knownotmyname



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Lots of Angst, M/M, Not Really AU, Zayn leaving the band, conditional sort of time travel, drabble-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 06:26:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3640173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knownotmyname/pseuds/knownotmyname
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It honestly didn’t take Louis that long to convince himself that maybe he didn’t actually need to tell his boys about it if he never really used that… ‘ability’ (of sorts) in their presence. As far as he knew, he didn’t really have to. He loved his life and he was living it with four people who were brothers by fate of experience and not by blood.</p><p>Everything was fine until… well, until he found he didn’t quite see one of them as just a brother.</p><p>(Or a conditional time travelling sort-of-AU that really becomes pure angst towards the end.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I will give you all my heart, so we can do it all over again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first fanfiction so please go easy on me. I'm sorry it's really just self-indulgent angst that's a little incoherent (Didn't have a beta or anything heh.). Also, it's not really AU, I might've lost my direction a little towards the end and made it full-on angst, I'm sorry!
> 
> Also, DO NOT READ IF RECENT 1D EVENTS ARE STILL DEEPLY AFFECTING YOU. Because I touch on that and it's not pretty. I'm sorry if this makes you sad.
> 
> On another note, enjoy! (?)

The moment Louis was put in the same vocal group as the four other boys he knew he had to tell them about it sooner or later. They were going to be so close, like his makeshift family when he was away from home, and he knew he would never be able to hide something so big from them.

He just didn’t know when that day he’d have to tell them would come, and he wasn’t particularly looking forward to it, so he kept mentally postponing it, and days became weeks which became months that became _years_ …

It honestly didn’t take Louis that long to convince himself that _maybe_ he didn’t actually _need_ to tell his boys about it if he never really used that… ‘ability’ (of sorts) in their presence. As far as he knew, he didn’t really have to. He loved his life and he was living it with four people who were brothers by fate of experience and not by blood.

Everything was fine until… well, until he found he didn’t quite see one of them as _just_ a brother.

Louis doesn’t know how it happened, because things with Zayn were always so comfortable, so casual… so subtle and soft and _private_ , and eventually he figured even these unfamiliar feelings surrounding Zayn crept in unnoticed as well. It was hard initially, grappling with his newfound feelings because they were so foreign and so strangely welcome that he physically felt the need to escort them out because _no, Zayn was a bro, a fellow Captain Zapper, his partner in crime…. Not a lover_ and it was frustrating because there was a voice at the back of his head that echoed thoughts that lingered in his mind for far longer than he wanted to that kept countering _but he could be that and more_ and Louis couldn’t afford that. He couldn’t afford to ruin whatever they had between them over _feelings_ and he couldn’t afford to lose Zayn because of it.

So Louis pushes all these thoughts to the back of his mind, locks them up and throws away the key and thinks _that’s that._

And it was. Really, it was.

Then came Perrie.

***

It came as sort of a surprise when Zayn announced Perrie to the band, but in retrospect Louis realizes that it probably shouldn’t have been because Zayn had been rather blatantly fanboying over her for a while before that and _really_ , who could resist Zayn for long?

It was a pretty normal afternoon, really, and they’d all just been hanging out and getting their due rest on a rare day off at Liam’s place. Between swigs of beer and junk food, Louis had noticed Zayn being a little jittery, with his knee bobbing up and down and his little exhales that made it look like he was mentally giving himself a pep talk. (He probably was.)

Louis had slung an arm over Zayn’s shoulder and raised an eyebrow when Zayn’s head jerked towards him, a silent question of _“Are you alright?”_ and he’d watched as Zayn gave him a little nod followed by a longer, louder exhale of breath and a firmer nod that felt more for himself before he said the words that made Louis stomach ache and his head spin:

“Th-“ Zayn’s brows furrow at his stuttering and his clears his throat, clearly quite frustrated with himself, before he continues, “There’s someone. I mean... I found someone.”

Harry’s the first to react, clearly overjoyed at the idea of a mate potentially finding love, and his smile is so wide and happy and Louis finds himself so unable to mirror that expression when he _should_ that he feels sick with guilt and… _jealousy?_

“Who?” Harry practically cheers, and Zayn looks at him, his face finally breaking into a smile when he notices Niall and Liam mirroring the look of pure joy for Zayn that Harry’s wearing before he says, “Perrie. From Little Mix?”

Niall hoots and cat calls, his little frat boy side coming to play to both tease and congratulate Zayn, Liam looks so happy in an oddly motherly way that even more strangely seems to settle comfortably on his features, Harry is predictably the most dramatic as he smothers Zayn in a hug, cooing about how _“Our little Zaynie has grown.”_ and Louis is visibly the only one who hasn’t quite had a reaction, frozen in his lounging position with his beer bottle in one hand and the other, which was initially resting on Zayn’s shoulders, dropped bonelessly at his side when Harry had brought Zayn into a tight embrace.

_Zayn and Perrie. Zayn and Perrie. Of course. Good for him. Fucking good for him._

Finally Zayn escapes Harry’s slightly suffocating hug and turns towards Louis, and Louis feels a punch in the gut as he sees the elation in Zayn’s eyes and realizes how _fucking happy_ he is with Perrie and how _eager_ he is to get their approval… _Louis’_ approval. Louis can’t comprehend his overwhelming need to suddenly be alone but he swallows it down and eventually manages a smile that he hopes doesn’t turn out to be a grimace to Zayn, whose smile was beginning to falter at Louis’ lack of reaction.

 _Idiot_ , Louis thinks, _I’m such an idiot. Why can’t I be happy for Zayn?_

“Congrats, bro. Finally got that girl, eh?” He smirks as he begins to recollect himself, a mantra of ‘ _Be happy for Zayn. This is good. This is good for him._ ’ racing through his mind.

If Zayn’s award-winning tongue-behind-teeth smile is anything to go by, Louis must’ve been pretty convincing, and he mentally pats himself on the back for it as he feels himself still reeling from the shock.

Niall announces that they need a celebration of sorts (which Louis thinks is just an excuse to order more food) and the night comes and goes just like that.

If Louis spends the rest of the night decidedly quiet and determined to get drunk and detached, nobody says a thing.

That night, Louis wished he could control time, that time would just rewind and he could’ve mentally prepared himself for it.

Except… he actually could.

***

Louis never thought he would have had to use that ability. He’d actually only ever used it twice in his entire life so far, and both times he’d been sure that there weren’t any people around to witness it and remember. He’d been careful.

It seems that around Zayn, he loses his guard completely. He loses control and he’s absolutely terrified by it but he doesn’t know what to do because _it’s Zayn_ and he can never be as unapologetically himself around anyone else.

So when he completely loses his shit in front of the boys when Zayn announces his engagement to Perrie, shaking with anger and disbelief while shouting incoherent curses at Zayn and feeling hot, wet tears threatening to fall… well, he panics and rewinds time.

The moment was inexplicably foreign and Louis knew the risk he was taking, but he couldn’t face the consequences of what he’d just done. The four boys he’d known for so long were staring at him with similar looks of shock and bewilderment at his outburst, and he’d felt his heartbeat thumping in his ears as panic bubbled up from his gut to stomach and finally to the back of his throat. He’d seen Zayn fumble to get out a response before Louis violently shook his head and clenched his eyes shut as he focused his hyperventilating mind to a single moment _before_ Zayn had broken the news to them.

He felt the long-forgotten feeling of being sucked up in a split-second whirlwind that formed knots in his stomach before he’d opened his eyes and found himself back in the room just hanging out with the boys again, just minutes before Zayn would stand up and block their view of the television, saying that he had something to tell all of them. Louis felt an odd mix of relief and guilt settle in his stomach, and he saw as Zayn had stood up just as he’d remembered, saying the words he’d heard just minutes before his uncharacteristic outburst.

“I’ve got something to tell you guys.”

“What is it, Z? I was watching that.” Niall quips, trying to angle himself to get a view of the television screen again.

Louis trains his eyes on Zayn and waits.

He waits for the moment his stomach would drop again, that moment when he’d feel his heart pounding and feeling claustrophobic in his prison of a ribcage, as Zayn says the sentence he’d gone back in time just to put himself through the torture of once more.

“Perrie and I are engaged.”

He feels a head snap back to look straight at him and Louis just _knows_ what’s happening, what that pair of eyes is waiting for but he simply forces a smile and waits a beat before whistling under his breath and saying, “Fucking hell, you move fast, bro.”

Louis feels the voice in his head screaming and kicking and chanting _liar liar liar_ as he keeps his smile and waits for Zayn to smile back at him, feeling his heart tug at the muscle that holds it together, and Louis wonders when the ache in his chest would blossom into a gut wrenching, fiery open wound that would consume his senses.

Zayn pauses for a moment, his smile fixed on his face but his eyes intense and it’s a strange look Louis can’t decipher before Zayn is knocked over by a hyped up Niall and a stressing and overwhelmed Liam. Louis gives himself a moment to reel himself back in as he finally makes contact with the pair of confounded moss green eyes that have been bearing holes into his face from the moment Zayn had announced his engagement.

Amidst the commotion caused by the blissfully ignorant three, Harry inches closer to Louis and places a hand on Louis’ thigh.

“I feel… I feel like I’m having déjà vu… but also not. Lou-“

“We should talk.” Louis sighs, his body language resigned but his eyes afraid.

Harry nods, slowly but gradually gaining speed before he gets up from the floor and jerks his head towards the door. Louis hesitates for a moment before following.

When they get to another secluded room, Harry turns around to face Louis, his eyes determined but confused at the same time and his raised eyebrows demanding an answer. Louis sighs and locks the door, which only serves to raise Harry’s eyebrows even further.

“Haz-“ He begins, but Harry’s impatient and confused and so he interrupts Louis.

“What was that, Lou? You _know_ what I’m talking about. I can see it in your eyes and also…”

 _You were the only one who acted differently from the first time_ are the words that are lost on Harry’s tongue and Louis knows it. He takes a deep and shaky breath before he begins,

“Haz. I… I can time travel.” He pauses and closes his eyes, waiting for the scoff or laugh of dismissal he expects.

After a moment of palpable silence, Louis hears Harry exhale in frustration before he prompts, “And…?”

Louis finally looks up, and notices Harry’s completely serious look as he digests what Louis thinks to be news that would be hard to comprehend relatively fast. _Of course_ , Louis thinks, _it’s Harry. He’ll be the first to believe in the extraordinary if anything_.

“And _what_ , Harry?”

“ _And_ why am I the only one who seems to remember what _actually_ happened? Don’t people usually forget apart from the one who actually _time travelled_? Why don’t the other three remember then? What is going on, Louis? Is this an elaborate prank?”

Louis pauses, and it’s enough for Harry to go, “It _is_ , isn’t it?” before Louis violently shakes his head and stutters, “It… It’s called conditional time travel.”

“ _Conditional time travel_? Lou, what-“

“It means that if I travel back in time once, someone present in the situation I travelled back in time from would remember. In this case… you did, Haz.”

Harry looks thoughtful for a moment then he looks Louis dead in the eye, his eyes still squinted as he attempts to discern if Louis is actually telling the truth or not. Louis stays silent and fidgets as he lets Harry scrutinize him, having no words to offer for his part.

Eventually, Harry begins to formulate a question “So, if you’d travelled back in time again in that situation…”

“Another person would remember it.”

“And would I still remember it?”

“Yeah.”

“So, two people?”

“Yeah. Two people.”

“So the more you travel back in time for a situation, the more people would remember?”

“Basically.”

Harry finally nods and Louis swallows dryly, his eyes searching Harry’s for acceptance or rejection or _any_ sort of reaction before a sly grin slowly creeps onto Harry’s features as he drawls out,

“How _timely_ for you.”

Louis just groans and ushers Harry out of the room.

And that was that, Louis thinks.

“We still need to talk about you and Zayn, Mr _Time_ linson.”

Well, _almost_.

***

The next time Louis finds himself having to explain his time travelling abilities, it’s to Niall and it’s after he’s been an asshole the entire evening when Zayn invites Perrie along on one of their FIFA nights, which causes Zayn to snap at him in front of everyone. Louis is caught off guard and completely humiliated at his unwarranted behavior after Zayn confronts him with a bite in his tone of “What is _wrong_ with you, Louis?”, that he forces his eyes shut and thinks back to the moment Zayn had arrived at his apartment with Perrie in tow.

He hears a mutter of “Why are you closing your eyes, Lou?” before the rush of wind in his ears overwhelms everything else and he’s swept up in that rollercoaster ride that is time travelling again.

When he’s back in that moment he realizes what an idiot he is because well, _was that really necessary?_

He looks up from his spot on the couch when he feels the bile in his throat slowly fade away and makes eye contact with Harry who’s sitting on the other end, who only shakes his head in exasperation at his realization of what Louis had just done again. Louis is about to give him an apologetic shrug when he’s cut off by Niall, who’s seated on a beanbag next to the couch.

“Woah, guys, am I the only one feeling extreme déjà vu or.”

Harry’s head snaps up to look at Niall and he turns back to Louis with widened eyes, almost like a lost puppy. Louis is about to stammer out something, _anything_ , when the doorbell rings and Louis knows that’s Zayn with Perrie at the door.

He feels his throat clamp up and the beginnings of a sour feeling in his mouth that he forces down as he springs up from the couch to drag Niall away, thanking Harry with his eyes when Harry offers to get the door in understanding.

When Louis successfully brings Niall into his bedroom and locks the door, Niall cocks his head a little before he flops onto the bed, saying “Spill.”

Louis fishmouths at him for a moment before saying, “w-what?”

“I don’t know. You dragged me into your room and locked the door. I figured you had something to say.”

Through the not-so-soundproof wood of the door they can hear polite greetings exchanged between Harry and Liam with Zayn and Perrie, and Niall looks at the door for a moment before he bolts upright and grins at Louis.

“Oh…. I get it, I get it.”

Louis stares at him even more, and he manages out another “what?”

He has no idea where this conversation is headed. Niall can be so unpredictable sometimes, it’s actually quite unnerving, even for someone as polar as Louis.

“Y’dragged me up here the minute Zayn came. Seems to me like you’ve suddenly decided to confess your undying love for him and couldn’t hold it in anymore. Don’t worry, Cap’n Niall will keep it a secret, I kinda always knew y’know?” Niall grins, looking extremely proud of himself.

Louis’ jaw hangs and he begins to stutter, “W-what? No… what? How did you even-what? _Niall_.” Louis takes a deep breath before continuing, “Niall. That isn’t… That isn’t what I wanted to tell you.”

Niall smug smile fades a little and his head tilts before he exhales and flops back down on the bed, “Then what is it?”

“You said you felt déjà vu just now.”

Niall turns his head so it faces Louis, his eyebrows creased together, “Yeah…? What about it?”

“It wasn’t… It wasn’t quite déjà vu.”

Niall’s eyebrow only lifts even higher.

“You… You actually went through this evening already. I uh, I can time travel.”

Niall sits up slowly, his eyes squinting a little before he bursts into peals of laughter.

“Yeah right, Lou.” He manages, as he flops onto the bed again, still snickering softly to himself, “Good one, though. _Time travelling?_ Only you, Lou… Only you.”

Louis ruffles his hair in exasperation, huffing out a breath of air before he continues, “I’m not _joking_ though, Ni. You remember _exactly_ how the evening went, don’t you? Dreams don’t do that. I mean, like, _fuck_ , I won’t joke about this. I won’t.”

Louis groans and rubs his hands over his face. Niall has grown strangely quiet, but Louis can’t bring himself to look at Niall in the eye while he says these things. They stay like that for a while, quiet and soft but with so many questions hanging in the humidly suffocating air between them. Finally, Louis breaks and drags his hands away from his face to face Niall, who’s just looking at his feet, mouth slightly agape, mumbling incomprehensible words to himself.

“Say something, Ni. _Please_.” Louis feels vulnerable and he just really wants some kind of reaction from Niall, something he can work with at least. Silence is something Louis can really only stand when it drapes comfortably over him and Zayn.

Niall looks up at Louis and shrugs, “I believe you, Lou.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. C’mon, Lou. I mean, I _am_ a little pissed you haven’t told us about it… Could’ve saved us a shit ton of embarrassment and the like, but like, I’ve watched enough Doctor Who to believe you. ‘Sides, you wouldn’t lie when it comes to Z.”

“But Ni, I couldn’t I mean-“

Niall waves him off with a grunt as he gets off the bed, “Save the details for next time, aite? I’m starving. Also, these kinda things are best heard when buzzed.”

With that, Niall turns the door handle and walks out the room, shouting for pizza and booze to be served to him to the people below.

Louis decides that that is as much as he will get from Niall, and that’s enough for now.

***

When Louis tells Liam, he’s hysterical.

They’d been on their On The Road Again Tour, partying almost every night because they all know what was going to happen after the break they had in the middle of their tour. Louis just wanted to spend as much time as he could with Zayn, and Zayn seemed more than happy to oblige. It didn’t matter that Zayn’s eyes would sometimes drift to appreciate his view of an attractive girl clubbing near them, or that Zayn barely mentioned Perrie anymore except during interviews when she was brought up, and as much as Louis is dying to know what is going on between the two celebrity lovebirds now, Louis respects Zayn’s stubborn silence about it, and chooses to play the role of dutiful friend who would party alongside Zayn when Zayn needs alcohol in his system.

Louis decides that is the most he can be with Zayn. He decides that that is enough.

Until it isn’t.

***

It was one thing, Louis supposed, to see the one person who’s built a space in your heart without paying rent show interest in someone else completely, and another to see said person minutes before making love to someone else.

Louis honestly thought he was over this.

But she was a _stranger_ , for fuck’s sakes, and maybe it left a bitter ache in Louis heart knowing that even when Perrie was no longer Zayn’s priority, _Louis_ on the other hand would _never_ be, but that was not what tore at the strings that held Louis together.

What broke his heart was the fact that Zayn was becoming increasingly self-destructive, readily throwing himself at fluids that poisoned his bloodstream, and girls that so obviously saw his fame before his person. Zayn was recklessly tugging at the stitches that made him whole, letting himself bleed under the public’s sadistic eyes, laughing mirthlessly at his own misery, and treating himself like the object the media had played him out to be.

Zayn was losing himself, and Louis couldn’t do a single fucking thing.

And Louis hated it, hated _himself_ because it was a long time coming, and he didn’t try to save Zayn sooner. Granted, he’d always, _always_ been the person who assured Zayn in the moments he’d lost his direction to tears that clouded his vision, _always_ been the one Zayn whispered smoke-filled secrets to in the comfort of the darkness and intimacy of their private bus, _always_ been the one who saw Zayn as a canvas like Zayn saw him, and they drew on each other with ink they would later make permanent, grasping at frayed ends trying to keep a _constant_ in their lives. Louis was _always_ there, but Zayn wasn’t.

He stopped being fully _there_ , when he lost himself to people who hurled criticism like they were petals even though they bruised and scarred like thorns. He stopped being fully _there_ , when capitalistic bastards saw him as a dollar sign and tainted his thoughts with threats and temptation, offered him promises and black and white words that lingered in his mind far longer than he was comfortable with. He stopped being fully _there_ , when Louis watched as he lashed out at himself with words laced with guilt and disgust for even harboring the thoughts that those very bastards had planted into his mind. Zayn stopped being fully _Zayn_.

So when Louis saw Zayn planting sloppy kisses on a girl whose moans resounded in Louis’ ears like the taunts of the disgusting money-grubbing slave drivers he’d grown to detest, he’d snapped.

His vision was blurred by the hot, angry tears that rolled down his cheeks despite himself, and he’d hurled a glass that had missed Zayn by a millimeter, and smashed into shards against the hotel wall. The sound felt like the echoed screeching of Louis’ own thoughts, and he’d desperately grabbed at the closest thing to him to hurl away, which had ended up being a table full of cutlery. An orchestra of shattered glass and porcelain resounded in his ears and he’d felt himself cursing incoherently, not knowing what to say for Zayn to understand that _this isn’t you, you are so much more than this, you are so amazing and I’m sorry and please stay and please, please come back._

 _I love you_.

Liam, who had been beside him all this while had tried to hold him back, but Louis was manic and hurting and desperate and he was struggling, thrusting his entire body weight forward and away from Liam’s comforting hold, because _Zayn had to understand. He had to. Please._

And Zayn had just stared wide eyed as he’d taken a step forward to try to reach Louis before Louis felt large hands grab at arms and chest and suddenly he was being pulled back by large men in black suits and poker faces, and Louis felt himself screaming, hearing a cry that sounded like a strained, broken imitation of his own, and he’d squeezed his eyes shut, telling himself that _no, this wasn’t it, it couldn’t end like that, he had to redo, he had to try again. He had to keep trying, till Zayn understands. Because Zayn HAD to understand._

When he goes back to the single moment that he and Liam had caught Zayn with that girl, Louis had taken quick strides towards the door and made sure he was out of sight before he retches and pukes up everything that he had inside him until his stomach felt as empty as his chest did.

***

When Liam tries to ask in the most subtle manner possible about what had happened, Louis has no strength left in him to explain so he asks Liam to talk to Harry and Niall and leave him alone for the night.

Liam does as he says, but not without a concerned frown and a comforting hug and kiss to his temple, and three words he’d only wished had come from the lips of another boy.

***

Tabloids are flooded the next day with blown up low quality pictures of Zayn and that girl, and Louis feels like throwing up again. Zayn had been missing the entire morning after being called in for a private meeting with the bourgeois bastards.

When Zayn finally walks into Harry’s hotel room where the four of them had been lounging with pressed smiles and contrived laughter, he stands awkwardly in the middle of the room before finally announcing that the date of his official split with the band had been pushed forward.

It doesn’t hit Louis like a whirlwind because they’d known for a while about his leaving the band after the first leg of the OTRA Tour after all, and they’d been extremely supportive about it for Zayn’s wellbeing, but he still feels his throat clamp and his breathing quicken and the heart that he thought had shriveled up, pound claustrophobically against the tightening muscles of his heaving chest. None of the boys are pleased with the news, obviously, but Louis knows that he’s the one that’s most visibly shaken by it, and Zayn’s eyes are trained on him.

Zayn’s the first to break the tangible silence that had filled the room.

“L-Lou?”

Louis forces himself to look at Zayn with wet-rimmed eyes as forces himself to breathe, taking in painful gulps of air that so quickly gets rejected by his convulsing body.

“F-f-fuck you, Zayn.” Is what he manages out, and it is nowhere near explaining the emotions that are flooding his senses but Louis is lost and also a little angry, and it’s stupid, he _knows_ , but he feels betrayed, by Zayn and by _time_ because he’d honestly thought he could at least have some more of it to spend with Zayn before they would be split by geographical distance and different trajectories. Louis feels like a cauldron of lethally overwhelming emotions that cause chemical reactions in his veins upon contact.

Zayn looks stung at his words, and that only fuels Louis, as he barrels forward and clutches at Zayn’s collar, hot and heavy tears streaming down his face as he hurls accusation after declaration after heated words _meant_ to cut and burn but also backlash and sting like flames licking his already open wounds.

Zayn’s crying too, and the two of them are a mess of tears and incoherent words like double edged swords laced with the venom of the hurt and anger and pain and _love_ that had always hung between the two of them, and Louis finds his world spinning and himself wondering “ _How did we get here?”_

Harry, Niall and Liam are desperately holding the two of them apart, pulling and tugging and the five of them are clearly broken and stung and Louis realizes that all of them are so obviously torn with the whole situation and then he’s flooded with a tide of guilt so he closes his eyes and wills for time to go back again, except that he forgets it’s just the five of them and so when they find themselves back in where they were lying and Zayn in the middle it doesn’t make a goddamn fucking difference.

Zayn’s staring at him with wide eyes, only this time it’s for another reason completely and Louis panics, knuckles white from his death grip on the couch chair, and then Harry’s started sobbing at the sofa, mumbling a litany of “Please don’t, please don’t fight” and then he’s closing his eyes and wishing none of this ever happened and he finds himself rewinding time again, except it’s the same situation and Zayn’s just looking more confounded than ever.

Liam looks up at Louis and tells him to stop, saying it’s no use because it’s just the five of them but Louis refuses to listen because this is the only way he knows how to fix things and _it just has to work_ but it doesn’t because Zayn’s starting to figure it out by himself by the third time so when Louis reverses time for the fourth round Zayn’s striding towards Louis and he can’t face it, _can’t_ deal with everything that’s happening, so he runs.

He bolts out of the room and locks himself in his own, his breathing labored and his tears uncontrollable, his sobs racking through his entire body and shaking his bones, tearing him apart with every sharp intake of breath.

***

Its only minutes later that he hears pounding on his room door and Zayn’s desperate pleas but Louis drowns them out with his own cries and Zayn’s pleas get increasingly despairing.

“Lou, _fuck_ , _please.. Please open the fucking door, Louis, fuck, don’t do this. Don’t fucking do this, you can’t do this, I need you. Please, fucking… Lou.”_

Zayn’s voice cracks, and everything grows quiet and Louis feels himself getting blanketed by a silence that crawls under his skin, so he stumbles to the door and tugs it open. His heart cries for the sight he’s greeted with and he envelops a crying and kneeling Zayn into a hug, stuttering out apologies.

Zayn stops shuddering with every wretched sob he makes after a while, and he finally looks up at Louis, pulling himself away from Louis’ tight grip so he can properly face Louis. Both of them look exactly like how they feel inside, and yet Louis realizes that his heart still beats and sings for this beautiful but broken boy in front of him, but before he does anything else, the amber eyes are moving closer, and Zayn’s warm lips are on his.

Louis doesn’t understand.

But the kiss ends as quickly as it started and Louis finds himself chasing the warmth that had left his mouth, and then they’re kissing again and Louis doesn’t understand but he thinks maybe he could.

***

That night, neither of them sleep as they talk about everything, from when it became mutual ( _I think you just sort of creeped in and claimed a large space as yours, yknow?_ ), where it went wrong between Perrie and Zayn _(She’s perfect, but it wasn’t enough. I knew it wouldn’t work when you were who I thought of when I pictured my future._ ), how did they get here (“ _I don’t… I don’t regret it, though. Do… do you?” “No.” “Y-yeah… fuck, I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to have gone through all this with me… it’s just… Lou, it’s just not for me anymore.” “I…I know.”_ ), and where were they headed from here ( _“It’s going to be so different… so, so different… but like, not? I-I just… I don’t know…” “Yeah… It’s going to be difficult, Z…” “I-I know, Lou, I-“ “But I want to work this out with you.” “Y-yeah, fuck, yes of course.”_ )

Neither of them was sure of what everything would hold, but as they lay there in the familiar warmth of each other, they’d breathed in the moment of being together, and had whispered breathy promises that helped still the world that was collapsing around them.

They were two hopeless fools in the middle of a hurricane, but for that moment they’d just been two boys in love before they’d fully comprehended the weight of their words, and that was enough, knowing that despite everything and all the words to be spun on printed paper in the cesspit of months to follow, Louis had Zayn like Zayn had Louis.

It didn’t matter how everything played out anymore because neither of them were alone in it, and Louis knew that he was no longer confined to the conditions of his time travel; Zayn was, _no matter what happened, time and time again, forever_ and _unconditionally_ , his to love.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry that you sat through that :(
> 
> Leave a comment, I do want to improve on my writing!
> 
> (Also if you want to be my beta for two other story ideas I have in mind, do let me know!)


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